What kind of sub do I want to be?

What kind of sub do you want to be?

This question has been asked so many times and as usual the answer evades me. I know I want to please, I know I want to serve, I definately know I want to be used. But to what exstent.
Sexually i know I want to try to new things find my new boundaries. But menatally....that's a whole new story. I'm scared I'm using this to hide some weird "no-one-loves-me-mental-thing". I want to be able to express my sexual side without feeling like a freak. I want to experience the pleasure and the pain. I want to me completing simple (or complex) tasks makes someone happy. Knowing they're taking please by using my holes makes me excited....and scared.
So again I ask myself what kind of sub I want to be?

I need more fucking PORN!!!

Is it because I'm not sexually active I'm craving porn, tits, and cock? I DP and lesbian porn. Not that dressed up shit I like it down and dirty. You would think with all these desires i would be out there fucking like crazy...that was the old Angel...I would tell a guy I just want sex, go to a motel and fuck till weak in the knees. And never date.
What has happen to me?!?! What happened to that girl? Now I crave cooking together, reading in the park with a boy, just holding hands, kissing just because we can, oh hell I'm going to say it....justing being with a boy who cared about me!
YIKES!!!
Maybe I need more masturbation?

Her...

For the first time in my life i really care about a woman. I know if I get to know her any further I will be in love. She's so pretty and has the softest lips. I could worship her body for days. I was with her and her boyfriend and I just wasn't cumming....I would be on the edge and nothing. But as soon as I tasted her I was ready. I still didn't come like i wanted but to hear her moans made my lack of a real orgasm OK. The guy is cool and I love out conversations, he's great in bed but those moments I live for are with her. When she sucks on my tits I get this high feel, and i can feel my self getting wet, and when her mouth is on my pussy I nearly explode.
I crave her more than any woman I've ever encountered. I dream about her kisses, I dream about having sex with her, so many nights I've awakened due to dreaming about her and have to pleasure myself.